


Gone again (but I still miss you)

by calie15



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 11:01:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1602809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calie15/pseuds/calie15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Jemma,” Steve began gently, “he doesn’t remember.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone again (but I still miss you)

Jemma ran, but every corner she turned there seemed to be someone in her way. She pushed at them, screamed for them to move. Fitz trailed behind her, calling out her name, telling her to wait, but she wouldn’t listen. 

When she finally got to her destination, and was allowed to enter the room, the first thing she heard was a scream. Not one of pain, just pure fury. Jemma noticed Steve Rogers first, but then she caught site of Bucky through the glass, strapped down, and screaming. “What are you doing?!” She exclaimed and pushed forward. It was Steve that stepped in front of her and she looked up. “Move,” she said firmly, tears already building in her eyes, because something wasn’t right, she knew it. A door was thrown open and she turned to find Fitz breathing heavily.

“She doesn’t know,” Fitz said.

“Know what?” Jemma asked and waited. Fitz said nothing, then she turned to Steve. “What don’t I know?”

“Jemma,” Steve began gently, “he doesn’t remember.”

For a moment she stared, unable to really understand, or maybe unwilling to accept it, but she knew what he meant. “No, that can’t be possible, he-.” But then Bucky screamed and she turned to look through the window again. There were agents in the room, guns trained on him. Fury stood to the side, talking grimly with a doctor. Then there was silence again and she watched him. He panted like a restrained rabid animal. The plates in this left arms slid with the effort he was putting into breaking his restraints, muscles flexed, his skin glistened with sweat, his jaw ticked as he clenched it. And his eyes, they were so cold, so empty. “No,” she whispered and looked up at Steve. “He can’t-.”

“There is something of him there,” Steve said. “When I found him he paused, he was unsure. He remembered my name, recognized me, but I’m not sure how much he really remembers. It’s not as bad as before.”

His face was hopeful, but Jemma knew it was forced. Even if his memory wasn’t destroyed as efficiently as before it was still a crushing blow. Bucky didn’t know her. Tears burned her eyes as she accepted the knowledge of that. The door opened and Fury came in followed by a doctor. His eyes landed on her immediately.

“Let her try.”

Jemma turned to Steve, unsure.

Steve looked to Fury with concern and back to Jemma. “They’re trying to find out how significant the damage is to his memory. You’ll be safe.”

Those three words hurt her more. It killed her to realize that he could hurt her, that he might hurt her if she was in his way. Shakily, she nodded. She'd try, even if it put her life at a risk. Fury opened the door to notify the agents she was coming in, but Jemma barely heard the order. Slowly, she made her way to the open door. No one followed her in. She suspected Fury and Steve might, but for whatever reason they remained behind. 

At first Bucky didn’t even look at her. He stared straight ahead with his hard, uncaring gaze. There was no movement, no sound as she stepped closer. The air in the room was tense, everyone seemed to be waiting. 

Once she was within a few feet an agent held out a hand and she stopped. Jemma had to keep her distance. That thought alone made her release a shaky breath. Then he turned his eyes on her. 

The way he looked at her, how his eyes turned slowly up, full of resentment, it have her chills. It made her want to run and reach out to him at the same time. Tears blurred her eyes again and she tried to blink them away but only succeeded in making them fall. 

Slowly, his eyes narrowed and then he looked away. Jemma watched those dark orbs flick around the room and then turn back up to her seeming to be slightly confused, but his jaw was clenched, there was a vein ticking in his neck.

“I know you,” he said, his voice rather soft for a man who and be screaming in anger only seconds before.

Jemma swallowed past a lump in her throat, trying to keep herself calm, but the tears that fell gave her away. “Yes,” she whispered. “What do you remember?”

“Faces, pieces of memories.”

She kept herself calm. He was talking to her and she had to remain calm. “That’s good. Before, when they did this to you before, you had no memory. This-this is better,” she stuttered with a smile, but she knew she was failing at sounding positive. She couldn’t even form a complete sentence. She was a smart girl, but when it came to matter of the heart, when it came to the man you were in love with, she couldn’t think or even talk straight. Jemma knew her cheeks were damp with tears and she clenched her lab coat in her fists in an effort to get control.

He winced as if he fought with something, his own fists clenched, his cybernetic arm the only sound in the room as it moved to accommodate his desired movements. “Jemma.”

Her mouth parted slightly and her breath caught in her throat. “Yes,” she finally sobbed and lifted her hand to wipe her cheek. “Bucky…”

He squeezed his eyes shut and bowed his head, shaking it. “Stop.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, but couldn’t hide the emotion in her voice. The last thing she wanted to do was upset him. “I-I can go.” He looked up then and there was pain in his face, in his eyes. He struggled with memories and it was killing him. “I don’t want to upset you. We’re going to help you remember, no one will hurt you. I swear.” She could feel herself breaking under his gaze and slowly she began to back up, needing to run before she broke down sobbing in front of a man who didn’t remember her nor care for her. 

“The memories I have, some of them are of you,” he said and stared up at her.

“What-what memories?” She whispered and took a step closer. He looked troubled again and his eyes took on a wild look for a moment as he looked away from her and then back again. 

“A red skirt.”

“You liked the red skirt,” she said slowly, unsure if he really remembered that entire memory.

“I remember.”

She sighed, still unsure of what exactly he recalled, but from the way he stared up at her she had to believe he remembered some part of the time he had bent her over a desk and hiked up the skirt to her hips.

“And a tattoo.”

The one on her hipbone. 

“Smiles. You tied up, breaking a neck. Being angry, scared,” he stopped and panted slightly as he looked up at her imploringly.

“I was kidnapped. You led the team to find me, broke the man’s neck who took with. Later you-.”

“Kissed you.”

Jemma nodded and choked on a sob. Eyes that had been so hard, so empty, now stared up at her with unmeasurable pain and shined slightly. "For the first time," she added.

“You asked me not to go.”

She’d begged him not to go just a few nights, but he said had to, and he hadn’t come back. Not until now. "Yes. I was scared. Of this."

He stared up at her for a time, then finally spoke. “I can’t remember Jemma,” he choked finally. “I know they took my memories, I know they did it before. I know I had something and I can’t remember. I remember loving you, but-.”

The metal plates of his arm shifted and the sound of the electronics moving put everyone on edge, the barrel of every gun in the room raised slightly. He looked around again, his breathing coming faster in reaction to the unrest. Jemma moved forward this time without thinking, but someone grabbed her arm to pull her back. She started to turn, but it was the sound of Bucky that stopped her. 

“Let go of her!” He screamed and stared up at the agent holding her, murder in his eyes.

There was a pause, the agent looked to the mirrored window, and then his hand fell away. Jemma immediately turned back to Bucky and came forward, his eyes turned on her and she slowed her approach and stopped completely when she stepped between his legs. Slowly, she reached and touched his arm, his good arm. He looked up at her, staring, waiting. Jemma kept her eyes trained on him as she brought her hand over his shoulder and then to his cheek. When he didn’t pull away she brought the other hand up, cradling his face in her hands. “Bucky…” She began, but a sob choked in her throat preventing her from talking further. 

“I’m trying, I can’t-.”

“I know,” she interrupted him as he seemed to struggle. “You will,” she said gently and lowered her head to rest her forehead against his. His eyes shined with tears and he squeezed them shut. Jemma stepped closer, her thighs bumping into the seat of the chair they had him restrained in. She gently slid her fingers into his hair and to the back of his head. Gently.\, she pulled his head closer and hugged him to her. She could feel him releasing shaky breaths against her skin. “We’ll fix this,” she said into his ear. “I love you. I promise we will fix this.”


End file.
